The Next Chapter

Transitions are unequivocally revealing when it comes to the compass of one's heart. I laugh to myself when I see the transitions that God has brought Ang and me through so far in our marriage. Things do not tend to happen gradually to us - it could be argued we do it to ourselves - but I like to think our God is trying to reveal something very important in us.
Almost 3 years ago, Ang and I got married within the same month that I started a new job, opening a new store. A year (ish) later, Ang and I discovered we were pregnant with Olivia in the same week that we closed on our house - do you see a theme beginning to emerge? This time around easily trumps those though, a month ago, I found out I was getting promoted, Ang quit her job, and we sold our house within the same weekend. The interesting thing about God is that He is always preparing people for something coming down the road. This experience has been pointed to by others before it, and it will point the way to another coming down the road. The skills and knowledge we garner from one challenge will serve us very well in the next -- one could even say the current experience may be insurmountable without the abilities drawn from the prior one. This is precisely where the laughter comes in - I mean promotion, quitting, and house sold in one weekend - what is around the corner for us?

In that sense, my sense of mystery is stoked as I think about the great journey of life. I struggle to view life in any other way than as a grand story, penned long ago - a journey that we participate in and experience as it unfolds before us. When I look at my life, I find a string of stories that when strung together form The Story, My Story. I wonder what great adventure looms ahead on the horizon, and as I said before, what God is creating in me that will be essential to experiencing that journey to the fullest.

I often fail to see the adventure in the everyday...in today. My mind opens up quite easily to the distant adventure, the one that creates hope, the one that stirs a sense of anticipation - but it never quite seems like it is time for that adventure. Instead I look to the future, yet avoid ever embracing it fully and unfortunately all too often miss the adventure in today. My world seems to lack adventure altogether. In my Americanized world, my constantly climate controlled car, where variations of a mere degree or two cause indefinite fiddling, and where I grow impatient when my laptop that connects me to people all over the globe takes more than 30 seconds to boot up - I realize I am missing something or maybe losing something.

What I gain through the virtues of advancement and technology, are a loss of adventure. My existence is one that is readily defined by control and convenience. Adventure stands in juxtaposition - the very nature of adventure is to lose control, to be at risk. I think this is why I miss the mystery inherent in my story and quietly grow numb to the role I play in this grand story - the one I forgot I was living.


It may not make sense to anyone but me, but transitions are so valuable. Transitions, the changing of chapters, create a signpost, a marker along the path we are traveling. This transition has reminded me that there is much at stake in me recalling the other signposts that have come before - to string those signposts together to see a trail taking shape. In orienteering, 3 points of reference are needed for triangulation, to determine one’s current location. So, as I string together these stories (signposts) The Story begins to take shape, the veil lifts, the fog dissipates and again I remember the Grand Story that has been written. I remember that I have a part to play and I take heart in knowing that my story is not about the struggles, its not about the challenges - it is about what theme has been created and how the Great Storyteller will expound on the themes He has written into my past and my present to create a future for me.

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From My Standpoint

If you are anything like me you may wonder sometimes how you know if you are doing well.  What does success in this life truly look like?  I am not talking about a typical perspective on money, career aspirations, etc, but rather a genuine glimpse into what success looks like for the person who is trying to live in a manner worthy of God's work in their life.  How do I know if I am growing into the kind of person God intended for me to be?  For the person who wants their life to matter and make a difference, who doesn't just want to consume things their entire life, but rather to create things and make an impact for the bettering of others' lives - How can this person guage their success into those types of endeavors. 

This is what I am wrestling with right now and at church this morning, a young pastor made a very insightful comment when talking about spiritual growth.  He was talking about whether a person is worldly or spiritual (in reference to Paul's conversation with the church in Corinth - 1 Cor. 3:1-9) and said that the worldy person views their world in constant reference to themselves.  They are at the center and they can only see God from their perspective.  He said that Mt. Hood was about 2 inches big in his world - from the bus stop outside of his house.  He knew that in reality, Mt. Hood was really 11,239 ft above sea level but that if he viewed the world solely from his own perspective, Mt. Hood was merely 2 inches tall - rather un-awesome.  Now, to travel to the base of Hood is to see a huge mountain, topped with snow, covered in trees, big enough to change weather patterns, and awesome enough to be seen hundreds of miles away. 

Our relationship with God is like that as well.  When I see God merely through my own eyes He can appear far off and therefore very, very, very, small.  In relation, I am 68 inches tall and therefore bigger and more powerful than my pint sized talisman.  In fact, the further I drift from His presence and more I wander from Him, the smaller He becomes, until finally when I have distanced myself far enough from Him, He fits in the palm of my hand.  I don't want to serve a God who fits in my hand - that is nothing impressive nor divine, and yet that is exactly what I create.  It is only in drawing near to Him and learning to see my world through his eyes that I see how small I really am and how great He truly is.  Unfortunately this easy "mental" jump is proving far more difficult when I attempt to walk it out physically.

I struggle to guage success, synonomous with growth in this instance, because my perspective of who God is has been so mangled by my own self-centered nature.  Ironically, the very God, who I have now managed to fit in the palm of my hand is the very same God who I yearn for so desperately to answer the deep questions of my heart.  By taking the Divine and distancing myself so far from Him that He appears merely               un-awesome, I am left searching for these answers in places that were never meant to answer them - this is my great undoing.  Minimizing the One who could transform me has left me fending for myself and that is scary - scary that controlling one's life can leave one...well in control.

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Fishing for Dinosaurs

First time ever sturgeon fishing today on the Willamette courtesy of my wife's awesome XMAS present.  The picture shows how that I had my hands full with this 40+ inch Fish - it took me 15 minutes to get it into the boat and my arms were so dead I could barely lift it up.  It is a little different than flyfishing for trout on a mountain stream.  I was also able to see a sea lion catch a jumping salmon and eat it about 50 feet from our boat which was quite a sit.  I will be going to bed tonight with a sore back and full heart.

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Thoughts: Both Disorderly & Inconclusive

I often like to present things - whether they be ideas, problems or situations - once I have "figured them out."  I want to completely get my mind around it, analyze, decipher, weigh out and ultimately prepackage truth before I even begin the conversation.  I am actually quite comfortable with the gray, uncertain, messy aspects of life, and enjoy existing in the tension between competing ideas.  However, I also take great pleasure and make great lengths to solve tension, so even in something as seemingly straightforward as resolving tension, I oversee a battle of thoughts in my head, each one trying to convince the other that "it" is in fact correct. 

I am just plain confused when it comes to making decisions.  When I was young, I figured it best to do what seemed right, moral and true in my heart.  My heart was a compass and I simply needed to follow its lead in order to find contentment.  Then I found out in High School that God had a plan for my life,and I just walk that plan out.  My life's journey was like a map and He was the Divine GPS for my life.  Later, as I began to understand that God was sovereign over my life, I held fast to the idea that the "Great Puppeteer" would simply manipulate the strings of my life into whatever He so desired, and that I in fact had about as much control over my life as a puppet has over its movements.  As my concept of God grew in college, I came to believe that God was in fact writing the story of my life and so my part in making big life decisions was to simply follow God and allow His wisdom for my life to unfold before me.  It was like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" where God had the end goal in mind all along but He gave me numerous different ways to get there and maybe even allowed for a couple of alternate endings.  Now, I don't really know what I think - some of the naive optimism of college has been obscured with challenging and confusing life events.  I believe desperately in the core of my being that God has something in mind for my life - that I was created with a purpose, a mission, and an aspect of this great journey of knowing and being known by God is to discover His vision for us.  Perhaps, this is what some people may describe as a calling.  All I know is I look around and see people living from their heart, doing work that makes their insides come alive on the outside and I am left wondering at times why I don't feel like that.

What am I to expect from this life I have been given as a gift?  The idea of expecting a certain something seems infantile and arrogant.  The mere fact that I am alive seems to be grace enough - that I get to breathe in this mysterious world, exist in a life of love, surrounded by the beauty of my wife and innocence of my daughter.  Yet, something burns inside of me - a long time ago it was a raging fire and now the embers but the flames have resided.  My view of God's involvement in the decision making process (big picture life sorts of things) directly links to my understanding of His sovereignty, His calling on my life and ultimately to my role, if any, in living a life reflective of His work in me.  There is an undeniable, domino like effect in play where the way in which I view one element of the puzzle predetermines my understanding of the rest of it. 

All of the above metaphors both reveal and conceal elements of the truth behind the fabric of our lives.  I think I want to explore Scripture to better understand how God called the people of Scripture to the missions and life purposes He had intended for them.  I know I have an active role to play in this life and I know God is intimately at work in the details of my life.  I know too that He has created me with a purpose and a reason in mind - how specific I am not sure, but I know I cannot rest until I find out.  Discovery requires a certain due diligence.

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Life in Light of Heaven

Well the title really says it all I suppose, but where is the fun in that.  At different points in time over the past couple of years I have entertained fleeting thoughts in regards to Heaven and what sort of effect the reality of Heaven has on my life right now.  Fleeting is giving myself too much credit  probably - to say the least my life bears a limited reflection to the one Christ has welcomed us into.  Now, I am not indulging in self-loathing so don't write me off - hear me out - I think many of us neglect the reality of Heaven.  We acknowledge Heaven in a tucked away crevice of our minds, a place we reserve for things we hold to be true that have little to no bearing on our lives.  Think about it.  When was the last time you made a decision where your understanding of eternity bore weight on the decision making process.  Paul talks incessantly about Heaven because eternity provided the framework to define our lives and lense through which we were to view it. 

As modern people living in an overtly compartmentalized world, we think of our lives as being part of current time, and Heaven as being a second life, a restart in some ways and a completely new existence.  I wonder though, if eternity is truly eternity, then by definition all time exists on one contiuum.  Our lives, therefore exist within an eternal contiuum, and not separated from it - I don't live like this is the truth.  I live like the life I am in right now will one day be over and then I will stand before the throne of God and enter into Heaven based on the righteousness of Christ as a separate existence.  This life ends that life begins.  That doesn't sound like eternity to me that sounds like 2 different lives - and though I don't really believe I will live 2 separate lives, I live like I do.

I have been given full access to God through the precious work of Christ on my behalf, and yet  wonder where He is in my life, even catching myself lost in wonder at how amazing it will be to one day be with Him.  Why not now?  What is stopping me from having that intimacy with God right now?  The Thomas in me - the part of me that freely acknowledges Christ with my tongue, but by my actions lives in a way that denies His immediate and intimate presence in my life.  I am so short sighted.  I see life through my Amercanized bubble - being completely obsessed at times with my job, my life, my finances, my hopes and dreams - but my life is a vapor in the eternal spectrum.  If the reality of Heaven truly ruled my life, then I would actually be caught up in this beautiful tension.  I would hold my time on earth loosely, living freely, and while life would retain a sense of brevity, it would gain an eternal element, a seamlessness between our time on earth and the rest of our life in Heaven.

This may seem like a minor tweak, but that is only because words fail me in this moment.  The rejoining of our fragmented lives would give us the opportunity to be eternally-minded allowing us to more brightly reflect the character of Christ while growing ever closer to the heart of our Father.  I believe the implications go far beyond proselytizing, but rather extend into the core of our hearts and minds.  I would love to hear what you think about the impact of eternity on our lives.

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In the words of George Strait...

There is nothing quite like a George Strait song to put me in a transcendent mood.  He is the singer/songwriter of countless #1's in country music and he singlehandedly provided the juke box material needed to enjoy a game of Big Buck Hunter with Paul and Ty.  I can't hear a George Strait song and not think of my wife because even though George perfectly describes our relationship through his melodic tunes, Ang nearly convulses when she hear a tune of his struck up.  It is an unfortunate occurrence though because a song like, "Baby Blue" is very fitting for the last couple of days I have had with her in Denver.

For the past couple of days, Ang has been enjoying some much deserved time away in Denver with some great friends of hers just enjoying the sort of freedom that is scarce with an 11 month old and a husband who acts like one at times.  I could not be happier for her, and I have a snapshot etched in my heart that I will not soon forget, it was a glimpse into the heart of our sweet and loving God. 

Oftentimes, we refer to God in the form of masculine pronouns and most believers readily accept God as their Father.  However, people may consider you a nutcase if you were to refer to God in the feminine or to portray a view of God as Mother.  I think our views of God are really limiting at times as we utilize dichotomous thinking forcing an infinite God into finite categories.  Why is it difficult for us to see God as our Mother when we so readily accept him as our Father?  There is a fierce and unyielding nature inherent within a mothers' love.  A mother's love is in the same breath nurturing, protective, gentle and not to be trifled with.  Who would dare stand between a mama bear and her cub?  And what mom would not gladly put herself in harm's way to save her little one?  It is natural for me to see God as my Father but I need to work on seeing God in a maternal way as well because without that understanding of God I am missing out on an enormous element of the love God declares for me.

As I watched Ang step out of the car and prepare to fly out to Denver, I very clearly saw the depth of bond between mother and child as both her and Olivia said goodbye for a couple of days.  Tears were shed, hearts were laid bare, and the sense of separation left a void that would not quickly be filled.  It was one of the most glaring pictures of love God demonstrates towards us.  I wonder at how deep God's love runs, a love so rich that it would lead God out of heaven down to earth and ultimately to a cross  - all that we might be reconciled to God - that a way would be made for us to spend eternity with God never separated, never gone.  Void filled.

Romans 8:38-39
 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This verse describes the kind of love both a father and mother point to, but which neither can fully express on its completely on its own - the kind of love personified exclusively by a God who loves both maternally and paternally in one breath.

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Joy

As the famous Christmas song puts it, "Joy to the world, the Lord has come.  Let Earth receive her King."  Ang and I have been talking a lot about joy lately - seems to be a recurring theme for us and one for me that begun at our Christmas Eve service a couple of weeks ago.  Our pastor was talking about how the Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, BUT Christ came to give us life and more abundantly.  I am amazed at how quickly I forget.  I am silly and so preoccupied with what new thing I need to know and figure out that sometimes I wish I just remembered the simple things - that Christ's purpose was to give me life - and you as well.  The kind of joy that I am considering this morning is born from choice not circumstances, the source stems from the great reservoir of our soul being constantly refreshed by the Holy Spirit and the outpouring of goodness that so defines life with Christ. 

The things I lack so restrict my line of sight to Christ that I often underestimate how much I have right now.  Perhaps now more than ever I find myself longing for the next thing but in an unhealthy way - I strive like a child to GET something (meaning, happiness, satisfaction, truth) instead of asking my Father and trusting He will provide.  I struggle and strive instead of resting and trusting and I am left exhausted, disgusted, and frustrated because the Lord's lack of apparent provision is really my own inability to get out of the way.  This is exactly where joy enters the equation for me.  Joy, firmly entrenched in the character of God, has the uncanny ability to sustain hope in the hearts of believers.  I say it must be entrenched in His character because I often connect joy to circumstance not character.  Circumstances shift and change - the character of God does not.  God has been pouring out his blessings on Ang and I over these past couple of months and I am re-learning to find my joy in His desire and ability to provide instead of the provision itself.  The blessing is not contained merely in the unexpected money that arrived - the fullness of the blessing is that God cares so intricately about our lives that He would choose to enter in and provide. 

The physical blessing (money in this case) meets our physical need, which is very real and important, but God's desire to enter in and provide reveals His great and merciful love, which speaks to deeper and even more critical questions...Am I loved?  Does God see me?  Will things ever turn around?  God's willingness to provide now convinces me He will choose to do so again and again and this fact brings me joy.  Joy seated in the character of God - my Jehovah Jireh as He is called in the Old Testament - my provider whose grace is sufficient for me.  Oh so sufficient!

Christmas always reminds me of one key truth...Emmanuel, "Christ with us."  Christ chose to come, to enter the world weak and defenseless as a small baby, in order to be with us.  Christmas is the time for us to remember that God, who could have completed His work anyway he pleases, decided it would please Him most to come and be with us.  That gives me great joy and hope both now and in the days ahead.

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