A Walk and a Fight

Ang and I got in a fight the other day.  A fight for each other - not with each other.   The best kind of fight you can get into as husband and wife.  We talked a lot about dreams and about what stands in our way.  She, as always, was unwavering in her support of my dreams and hopes for the future, reaffirming her belief in me and in what my heart longs for.  I am amazed by her.  The journey of discovering your heart and connecting its longings is filled with potholes, obstacles and resistance - encouragement is essential along the way and she provides it in spades.  I am spurred on when I know someone believes in me.

We have been on this walking kick lately (I think we are trying to get out as much as possible before the winter rains set in) and it has been such a great chance for us to talk and discuss ideas and encourage each other.  It's not always easy to find time for those things as a new parent.  We have both felt pretty overwhelmed at times to the point where it's easy to lose track of things - especially your heart.   

As I alluded to in my profile, I am gradually beginning to uncover some areas of my heart that had been collecting dust for awhile.  Writing this blog is just one of my attempts to transform the dustbowl into a reservoir.  Neglecting my heart was one of the worst decisions I have ever made.  Our hearts function like a compass, pointing us in a direction, establishing a course for the days that lie ahead.  As I lost track of my heart I struggled to interpret the events in my life and soon was stuck in an existence mentality where days were meant to be "gotten through" instead of enjoyed.  Disconnected from my heart, I felt like I was drifting along until finally a deep and pervading space was undeniably prevalent inside of me.  The space just sat there, empty - it was the kind of void that can't be filled, save for the genuine longings of your heart.  I am still in the middle of the struggle to regain my heart - it is a daily battle - one void of any shortcuts or any attempts to fake.  As I draw nearer to the Author of all those yearnings and longings, the space is gradually replaced with hope, anticipation, dreams, creativity, trust, and a newfound awareness of the world around me.  I keep thinking I will arrive at some point soon - get to a place where I understand, where my world is full of clarity and where suddenly the puzzle begins to take shape.  I am just now beginning to wonder if perhaps that time is not going to come.  I think somewhere in the struggle to find my heart, I will begin fighting a different fight.  Now that I am rediscovering my heart - the new challenge will be to keep it alive.  I know of only one Way. 

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Recovering Dreams

I have always considered myself a dreamer although lately my heart has been quiet. Lately I am more entrenched in "reality" which is just a more sophisticated way of describing my inability to imagine. Imagination has always served me well because it creates a space in my heart where the seeds of vision can germinate, drawing my life down a path where it intersects with opportunity. Call it divine intervention, making your own break, or simply chance - I believe opportunities occur when trust defines our hearts.

I fear my creativity and imagination have been stifled by duty and obligation - those things that suffocate our hearts. I caught myself saying "should" at least 15 times today - such a guilt ridden word. Fearing that I may fall prey to the hamster wheel mentality, I am setting out on a journey to rediscover my heart. I am amazed at how far I have strayed from my heart. I struggle to know what I desire, I find myself settling at every turn for the "lesser thans" and I hardly even recognize I am doing so until after the fact. I am equal parts discouraged, pissed off, confused and hopeful. The latter is finally beginning to gain some traction as I pursue those things that truly make my heart come alive.

As the layers of dust are slowly removed from my heart I trust that new vision will take shape inside me and that the dreams will return. Dreaming is scary business - it is so much easier to settle for something good than to strive for something grand. I am stuck firmly between the two. On the one hand I am content in my job - I am proud of what my team and I have accomplished and truly enjoy the people I work with and the customers I have come to know over the past 2.5 years. However, there is this constant tugging in my heart to rise to the occasion and pursue something truly great.

Having been disconnected from my heart I wrestle with what that something is - I am amazed at how I was taken out of the game so easily by a clever adversary who knows how to bend truth into deception. I feel like the awkward teenager at the school dance - wanting to dance, to have a good time, but not knowing if I am supposed to jump in and dance or wait to be invited. I think to myself, "just go for it," but confidence can't be fabricated and neither can faith - faith either overflows from the heart or runs dry. Faith will overflow once again, but first it needs some room to grow in my heart.

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