I often like to present things - whether they be ideas, problems or situations - once I have "figured them out." I want to completely get my mind around it, analyze, decipher, weigh out and ultimately prepackage truth before I even begin the conversation. I am actually quite comfortable with the gray, uncertain, messy aspects of life, and enjoy existing in the tension between competing ideas. However, I also take great pleasure and make great lengths to solve tension, so even in something as seemingly straightforward as resolving tension, I oversee a battle of thoughts in my head, each one trying to convince the other that "it" is in fact correct.
I am just plain confused when it comes to making decisions. When I was young, I figured it best to do what seemed right, moral and true in my heart. My heart was a compass and I simply needed to follow its lead in order to find contentment. Then I found out in High School that God had a plan for my life,and I just walk that plan out. My life's journey was like a map and He was the Divine GPS for my life. Later, as I began to understand that God was sovereign over my life, I held fast to the idea that the "Great Puppeteer" would simply manipulate the strings of my life into whatever He so desired, and that I in fact had about as much control over my life as a puppet has over its movements. As my concept of God grew in college, I came to believe that God was in fact writing the story of my life and so my part in making big life decisions was to simply follow God and allow His wisdom for my life to unfold before me. It was like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" where God had the end goal in mind all along but He gave me numerous different ways to get there and maybe even allowed for a couple of alternate endings. Now, I don't really know what I think - some of the naive optimism of college has been obscured with challenging and confusing life events. I believe desperately in the core of my being that God has something in mind for my life - that I was created with a purpose, a mission, and an aspect of this great journey of knowing and being known by God is to discover His vision for us. Perhaps, this is what some people may describe as a calling. All I know is I look around and see people living from their heart, doing work that makes their insides come alive on the outside and I am left wondering at times why I don't feel like that.
What am I to expect from this life I have been given as a gift? The idea of expecting a certain something seems infantile and arrogant. The mere fact that I am alive seems to be grace enough - that I get to breathe in this mysterious world, exist in a life of love, surrounded by the beauty of my wife and innocence of my daughter. Yet, something burns inside of me - a long time ago it was a raging fire and now the embers but the flames have resided. My view of God's involvement in the decision making process (big picture life sorts of things) directly links to my understanding of His sovereignty, His calling on my life and ultimately to my role, if any, in living a life reflective of His work in me. There is an undeniable, domino like effect in play where the way in which I view one element of the puzzle predetermines my understanding of the rest of it.
All of the above metaphors both reveal and conceal elements of the truth behind the fabric of our lives. I think I want to explore Scripture to better understand how God called the people of Scripture to the missions and life purposes He had intended for them. I know I have an active role to play in this life and I know God is intimately at work in the details of my life. I know too that He has created me with a purpose and a reason in mind - how specific I am not sure, but I know I cannot rest until I find out. Discovery requires a certain due diligence.
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