Fishing for Dinosaurs

First time ever sturgeon fishing today on the Willamette courtesy of my wife's awesome XMAS present.  The picture shows how that I had my hands full with this 40+ inch Fish - it took me 15 minutes to get it into the boat and my arms were so dead I could barely lift it up.  It is a little different than flyfishing for trout on a mountain stream.  I was also able to see a sea lion catch a jumping salmon and eat it about 50 feet from our boat which was quite a sit.  I will be going to bed tonight with a sore back and full heart.

Read more...

Thoughts: Both Disorderly & Inconclusive

I often like to present things - whether they be ideas, problems or situations - once I have "figured them out."  I want to completely get my mind around it, analyze, decipher, weigh out and ultimately prepackage truth before I even begin the conversation.  I am actually quite comfortable with the gray, uncertain, messy aspects of life, and enjoy existing in the tension between competing ideas.  However, I also take great pleasure and make great lengths to solve tension, so even in something as seemingly straightforward as resolving tension, I oversee a battle of thoughts in my head, each one trying to convince the other that "it" is in fact correct. 

I am just plain confused when it comes to making decisions.  When I was young, I figured it best to do what seemed right, moral and true in my heart.  My heart was a compass and I simply needed to follow its lead in order to find contentment.  Then I found out in High School that God had a plan for my life,and I just walk that plan out.  My life's journey was like a map and He was the Divine GPS for my life.  Later, as I began to understand that God was sovereign over my life, I held fast to the idea that the "Great Puppeteer" would simply manipulate the strings of my life into whatever He so desired, and that I in fact had about as much control over my life as a puppet has over its movements.  As my concept of God grew in college, I came to believe that God was in fact writing the story of my life and so my part in making big life decisions was to simply follow God and allow His wisdom for my life to unfold before me.  It was like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" where God had the end goal in mind all along but He gave me numerous different ways to get there and maybe even allowed for a couple of alternate endings.  Now, I don't really know what I think - some of the naive optimism of college has been obscured with challenging and confusing life events.  I believe desperately in the core of my being that God has something in mind for my life - that I was created with a purpose, a mission, and an aspect of this great journey of knowing and being known by God is to discover His vision for us.  Perhaps, this is what some people may describe as a calling.  All I know is I look around and see people living from their heart, doing work that makes their insides come alive on the outside and I am left wondering at times why I don't feel like that.

What am I to expect from this life I have been given as a gift?  The idea of expecting a certain something seems infantile and arrogant.  The mere fact that I am alive seems to be grace enough - that I get to breathe in this mysterious world, exist in a life of love, surrounded by the beauty of my wife and innocence of my daughter.  Yet, something burns inside of me - a long time ago it was a raging fire and now the embers but the flames have resided.  My view of God's involvement in the decision making process (big picture life sorts of things) directly links to my understanding of His sovereignty, His calling on my life and ultimately to my role, if any, in living a life reflective of His work in me.  There is an undeniable, domino like effect in play where the way in which I view one element of the puzzle predetermines my understanding of the rest of it. 

All of the above metaphors both reveal and conceal elements of the truth behind the fabric of our lives.  I think I want to explore Scripture to better understand how God called the people of Scripture to the missions and life purposes He had intended for them.  I know I have an active role to play in this life and I know God is intimately at work in the details of my life.  I know too that He has created me with a purpose and a reason in mind - how specific I am not sure, but I know I cannot rest until I find out.  Discovery requires a certain due diligence.

Read more...

Life in Light of Heaven

Well the title really says it all I suppose, but where is the fun in that.  At different points in time over the past couple of years I have entertained fleeting thoughts in regards to Heaven and what sort of effect the reality of Heaven has on my life right now.  Fleeting is giving myself too much credit  probably - to say the least my life bears a limited reflection to the one Christ has welcomed us into.  Now, I am not indulging in self-loathing so don't write me off - hear me out - I think many of us neglect the reality of Heaven.  We acknowledge Heaven in a tucked away crevice of our minds, a place we reserve for things we hold to be true that have little to no bearing on our lives.  Think about it.  When was the last time you made a decision where your understanding of eternity bore weight on the decision making process.  Paul talks incessantly about Heaven because eternity provided the framework to define our lives and lense through which we were to view it. 

As modern people living in an overtly compartmentalized world, we think of our lives as being part of current time, and Heaven as being a second life, a restart in some ways and a completely new existence.  I wonder though, if eternity is truly eternity, then by definition all time exists on one contiuum.  Our lives, therefore exist within an eternal contiuum, and not separated from it - I don't live like this is the truth.  I live like the life I am in right now will one day be over and then I will stand before the throne of God and enter into Heaven based on the righteousness of Christ as a separate existence.  This life ends that life begins.  That doesn't sound like eternity to me that sounds like 2 different lives - and though I don't really believe I will live 2 separate lives, I live like I do.

I have been given full access to God through the precious work of Christ on my behalf, and yet  wonder where He is in my life, even catching myself lost in wonder at how amazing it will be to one day be with Him.  Why not now?  What is stopping me from having that intimacy with God right now?  The Thomas in me - the part of me that freely acknowledges Christ with my tongue, but by my actions lives in a way that denies His immediate and intimate presence in my life.  I am so short sighted.  I see life through my Amercanized bubble - being completely obsessed at times with my job, my life, my finances, my hopes and dreams - but my life is a vapor in the eternal spectrum.  If the reality of Heaven truly ruled my life, then I would actually be caught up in this beautiful tension.  I would hold my time on earth loosely, living freely, and while life would retain a sense of brevity, it would gain an eternal element, a seamlessness between our time on earth and the rest of our life in Heaven.

This may seem like a minor tweak, but that is only because words fail me in this moment.  The rejoining of our fragmented lives would give us the opportunity to be eternally-minded allowing us to more brightly reflect the character of Christ while growing ever closer to the heart of our Father.  I believe the implications go far beyond proselytizing, but rather extend into the core of our hearts and minds.  I would love to hear what you think about the impact of eternity on our lives.

Read more...

In the words of George Strait...

There is nothing quite like a George Strait song to put me in a transcendent mood.  He is the singer/songwriter of countless #1's in country music and he singlehandedly provided the juke box material needed to enjoy a game of Big Buck Hunter with Paul and Ty.  I can't hear a George Strait song and not think of my wife because even though George perfectly describes our relationship through his melodic tunes, Ang nearly convulses when she hear a tune of his struck up.  It is an unfortunate occurrence though because a song like, "Baby Blue" is very fitting for the last couple of days I have had with her in Denver.

For the past couple of days, Ang has been enjoying some much deserved time away in Denver with some great friends of hers just enjoying the sort of freedom that is scarce with an 11 month old and a husband who acts like one at times.  I could not be happier for her, and I have a snapshot etched in my heart that I will not soon forget, it was a glimpse into the heart of our sweet and loving God. 

Oftentimes, we refer to God in the form of masculine pronouns and most believers readily accept God as their Father.  However, people may consider you a nutcase if you were to refer to God in the feminine or to portray a view of God as Mother.  I think our views of God are really limiting at times as we utilize dichotomous thinking forcing an infinite God into finite categories.  Why is it difficult for us to see God as our Mother when we so readily accept him as our Father?  There is a fierce and unyielding nature inherent within a mothers' love.  A mother's love is in the same breath nurturing, protective, gentle and not to be trifled with.  Who would dare stand between a mama bear and her cub?  And what mom would not gladly put herself in harm's way to save her little one?  It is natural for me to see God as my Father but I need to work on seeing God in a maternal way as well because without that understanding of God I am missing out on an enormous element of the love God declares for me.

As I watched Ang step out of the car and prepare to fly out to Denver, I very clearly saw the depth of bond between mother and child as both her and Olivia said goodbye for a couple of days.  Tears were shed, hearts were laid bare, and the sense of separation left a void that would not quickly be filled.  It was one of the most glaring pictures of love God demonstrates towards us.  I wonder at how deep God's love runs, a love so rich that it would lead God out of heaven down to earth and ultimately to a cross  - all that we might be reconciled to God - that a way would be made for us to spend eternity with God never separated, never gone.  Void filled.

Romans 8:38-39
 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This verse describes the kind of love both a father and mother point to, but which neither can fully express on its completely on its own - the kind of love personified exclusively by a God who loves both maternally and paternally in one breath.

Read more...

Joy

As the famous Christmas song puts it, "Joy to the world, the Lord has come.  Let Earth receive her King."  Ang and I have been talking a lot about joy lately - seems to be a recurring theme for us and one for me that begun at our Christmas Eve service a couple of weeks ago.  Our pastor was talking about how the Enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, BUT Christ came to give us life and more abundantly.  I am amazed at how quickly I forget.  I am silly and so preoccupied with what new thing I need to know and figure out that sometimes I wish I just remembered the simple things - that Christ's purpose was to give me life - and you as well.  The kind of joy that I am considering this morning is born from choice not circumstances, the source stems from the great reservoir of our soul being constantly refreshed by the Holy Spirit and the outpouring of goodness that so defines life with Christ. 

The things I lack so restrict my line of sight to Christ that I often underestimate how much I have right now.  Perhaps now more than ever I find myself longing for the next thing but in an unhealthy way - I strive like a child to GET something (meaning, happiness, satisfaction, truth) instead of asking my Father and trusting He will provide.  I struggle and strive instead of resting and trusting and I am left exhausted, disgusted, and frustrated because the Lord's lack of apparent provision is really my own inability to get out of the way.  This is exactly where joy enters the equation for me.  Joy, firmly entrenched in the character of God, has the uncanny ability to sustain hope in the hearts of believers.  I say it must be entrenched in His character because I often connect joy to circumstance not character.  Circumstances shift and change - the character of God does not.  God has been pouring out his blessings on Ang and I over these past couple of months and I am re-learning to find my joy in His desire and ability to provide instead of the provision itself.  The blessing is not contained merely in the unexpected money that arrived - the fullness of the blessing is that God cares so intricately about our lives that He would choose to enter in and provide. 

The physical blessing (money in this case) meets our physical need, which is very real and important, but God's desire to enter in and provide reveals His great and merciful love, which speaks to deeper and even more critical questions...Am I loved?  Does God see me?  Will things ever turn around?  God's willingness to provide now convinces me He will choose to do so again and again and this fact brings me joy.  Joy seated in the character of God - my Jehovah Jireh as He is called in the Old Testament - my provider whose grace is sufficient for me.  Oh so sufficient!

Christmas always reminds me of one key truth...Emmanuel, "Christ with us."  Christ chose to come, to enter the world weak and defenseless as a small baby, in order to be with us.  Christmas is the time for us to remember that God, who could have completed His work anyway he pleases, decided it would please Him most to come and be with us.  That gives me great joy and hope both now and in the days ahead.

Read more...

The Moose Mug

Do you ever see something that is pretty irrelevant, but for some reason it stirs a desire for creativity up inside of you?  I think I am a bit desperate for creativity right now.  The last couple months of work have been a bit of a grind and I have been feeling restless in part because I have struggled to carve out any time in my day for me (read: not posting a blog for nearly a month).  Learning to function in all the different roles I have as a man has not always been an easy transition and the journey from boy to man has been full of potholes, twists, turns and changes.  Adaptation is the key.  Adaptation, I suck at.  My wife will tell you, my family will tell you, my employees will tell you - I can plot a course with the best of them and I can put my nose to the grindstone and push through challenging times - what is tough for me is to course correct, to adjust, to adapt.

Before Ang and I started dating, we were really good friends and had been for a couple of years.  We always enjoyed being around each other, enjoyed similar things and had a penchant for laughing a lot and having great conversations.  I always really enjoyed spending time with her.  That is the mode I was in with her...great friends.  Well when the opportunity presented itself to start dating, I hesitated because we were such good friends.  I was so stuck in that mindset that I struggled to see the opportunity I had to start a relationship with a truly amazing girl.  I could have easily missed the chance save for the grace of God and the wisdom of my Dad..."Ry, girls like Ang don't come around very often, she is really special and you better figure out how you feel about her before it is too late."  Thanks Pops - good advice!  It is like when I finally make my mind up on something there is no stopping me, but until that light bulb comes on I am living in the dark.

So, back to the moose mug.  I was working an opening shift on the Friday after Thanksgiving...we opened at 3:10am to a line of 10 wide eyed, middle aged, women who needed caffeine to propel them into their shopping frenzy.  By the end of my day, I was exhausted, worn out and excited to get back to my family who was hanging out in Hood River.  I walked by the Moose Mug (a thick, brown, sturdy, manly mug with a white moose image on front) and it stirred something in me .  It reminded me of a time when I used to live a portion of my life outdoors.  The trips into the wild with Paul and Ty are memories I cherish because there was a wild and untamed aspect to them.  They remind me of a time when irresponsibility and spontanaetiy predominated my life - don't get me wrong, I wouldn't go back to that season of my life, but I feel a need to reconnect to the heart of the man who was living then.  I feel like I need to reconnect with the "wild man" who would camp, hike, fish and smoke his pipe. 

When I got home and my wife discovered the new mug (which further clogs our cupboards - we have one whole shelf dedicated to coffee mugs which is an undeniable pitfall of working at a coffee shop) and asked me about it and all I could say is that it is my "writing mug."  What the heck is a writing mug?  Well for me it is something that inspires me to carve out time to create something - to harken back to the wild man - to live an adventure.  I find that in my creativity I most closely resemble the heart of the Creator, in whose image I have been formed.  So here I sit, writing, while my wife is at work and our little one rests up for a day of crawling, talking, laughing, and living -  I am enjoying some Christmas Blend and the adventures my moose mug reminds to discover.  What inspires you?  Where or to whom do you look for that feeling of transcendence that allows you to reflect on your life and project into your future?

Read more...

Storyteller

In my last blog, I wrote about captivity and about my desire to be a part of setting people free - more specifically about how my calling fits into the greater framework of Christ's calling as found in Isaiah 58.  While still a work in progress, some things are beginning to take shape ever so slowly.  I still feel like I am walking into the fog, but occasionally a glimmer will be provided, a sight on the horizon, a quick picture of what lies ahead.  I think this is God's grace; His providence in my life, urging me forward and reminding me that great things lie ahead.

I like telling stories.  In college, my roommate Paul and I would go back and forth telling stories and entertaining ourselves and others along the way.  Stories are powerful.  Inside of a story lies truth, but that truth is packaged in a narrative which allows us to project ourselves into the story, relate with the truth found there and more readily digest truth into our lives.  Jesus used stories when describing life with God and in relating everyday life to the larger story (metanarrative) that overarches the story of humanity.  I have an inkling that storytelling may be a part of what lies ahead for me.  Not so much in the traditional sense of the word, I don't think there are any jobs out there as a storyteller, but framing truth is something I am very interested in. 

When someone shares their story something powerful happens.  The teller and the listener are somehow intrinsically connect in a new way - to tell your story is to expose yourself - to expose your innermost longings and desires.  To tell your story is to risk and where risk dwells, beauty follows closely behind.  I say this because in each of us lies a story of paramount importance - an unfolding of events Divinely authored and played out on a stage that is encompasses our lives.  Many of us don't embrace this story; instead we fight it, struggling against our reality because the miss the beauty than runs so deeply within it.

This morning I am spending some time reflecting on my story because as I look ahead and strive towards something greater, something better, something life giving I am reminded by the voice deep within that the best way to determine my path ahead is to know understand my trajectory.  That trajectory takes into effect where I have been, where I am at, and to where I am pointed.  I all too readily forget where I have come from, forget the provision of God, suffering from a sort of selective amnesia where somehow the events of my life get reinterpreted in such a way that I am left to suspect I am alone in this venture as I have been all along.  This gross misrepresentation takes place when I forget my story, when I fail to remember the times I have been rescued, the times I have been redeemed and made new and the times when I was hurting and broken and in need of simple kindness and gentle love.  I need to remember - my life and my future depends on my ability to remember what has happened - more pointedly to remember how He has happened over and over in my life, and undeniably so.  This is the overarching story we tie into, the profound and endless love of God demonstrated through Christ, revealed daily, and determined solely by His grace.

 Stories are how Jesus taught us to understand God.  Stories connect us.  Stories are powerful and everyone has one.  How will yours read?  

Read more...