Recovering Dreams

I have always considered myself a dreamer although lately my heart has been quiet. Lately I am more entrenched in "reality" which is just a more sophisticated way of describing my inability to imagine. Imagination has always served me well because it creates a space in my heart where the seeds of vision can germinate, drawing my life down a path where it intersects with opportunity. Call it divine intervention, making your own break, or simply chance - I believe opportunities occur when trust defines our hearts.

I fear my creativity and imagination have been stifled by duty and obligation - those things that suffocate our hearts. I caught myself saying "should" at least 15 times today - such a guilt ridden word. Fearing that I may fall prey to the hamster wheel mentality, I am setting out on a journey to rediscover my heart. I am amazed at how far I have strayed from my heart. I struggle to know what I desire, I find myself settling at every turn for the "lesser thans" and I hardly even recognize I am doing so until after the fact. I am equal parts discouraged, pissed off, confused and hopeful. The latter is finally beginning to gain some traction as I pursue those things that truly make my heart come alive.

As the layers of dust are slowly removed from my heart I trust that new vision will take shape inside me and that the dreams will return. Dreaming is scary business - it is so much easier to settle for something good than to strive for something grand. I am stuck firmly between the two. On the one hand I am content in my job - I am proud of what my team and I have accomplished and truly enjoy the people I work with and the customers I have come to know over the past 2.5 years. However, there is this constant tugging in my heart to rise to the occasion and pursue something truly great.

Having been disconnected from my heart I wrestle with what that something is - I am amazed at how I was taken out of the game so easily by a clever adversary who knows how to bend truth into deception. I feel like the awkward teenager at the school dance - wanting to dance, to have a good time, but not knowing if I am supposed to jump in and dance or wait to be invited. I think to myself, "just go for it," but confidence can't be fabricated and neither can faith - faith either overflows from the heart or runs dry. Faith will overflow once again, but first it needs some room to grow in my heart.